pondering

It's Saturday
the sun is shining
i'm having coffee by the lake
and have little school work to do...
that's fantastic!

Besides a crashed hard drive, much has been going on this Fall. As a perpetual glutton for punishment (I think it's in the genes) I am enrolled in two Grad programs and currently have two jobs. At a recent ACA meeting, a new friend asked me what on earth I was doing to myself. (she may have said it a tad bit differently than that, but you get the idea...)

Hmm. Fair question.

Right now I'm just trying to get to the other side of some things. Bit by bit it is happening. One of my programs ends at the New Year, so it's getting closer!

The personal learning curve this past year and a half has been steep. I've learned a lot about relationships and trust and the balancing act of faith in people verses human frailty.

I've learned a ton about myself, and I know I'll continue learning about me (that's in the genes too).

I'm learning about worth, and where to get that from. Which means I'm also learning the hard truth about where I've looked for my worth and why I've failed to find it there. Or why it can be easily lost depending on where I'm basing it. I've based too much of my worth on relationships. I don't think that's so unusual, but it definitely turns worth into something subjective rather than a static reality.

I've had to face tough things about me...not excluding the reality of how unkind I can be to myself. That's a tough one. I have a deep pattern of being way too hard on myself, and have been told that by faithful friends for years...yet I am only now beginning to believe it, therefore realizing the true need to change my course. Lighten up.

You know how people say that a thing is hard but also so good? Yes. That has been my journey out here in the Midwest.

I have always been a lover of truth. "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free." There are no truer words than those. Truth may be hard, but there is freedom there. Even when learning the truth means significant loss. And it has.

That sums up my experiences here this past year and a half:

Truth = loss + freedom

I choose to grieve the losses, and embrace the freedom. I think (read: I'm still in discovery mode on this one) when I do that, I will walk in the truest truth yet.

I'm gonna drink to that.