settling into different

This has been a very different summer.

I was expecting to be in Nepal this summer. It's what I do. I take teams of late-teens, early-twenties to Nepal for short-term experiences there. But alas, a shortage of regular income required me to take on an additional job, and I wasn't freed up to do what I love.

I've worked with students for 20 years now. First as a mentor of sorts. Then add a handful-of-years-stint at a group home for teenage girls. Season that with six years as a youth pastor. And top it off with the last twelve years taking teams of teens overseas.

The crazy thing is, I knew at 13 that I'd work with young people the rest of my life. I had a teacher in jr. high who had a life altering impact on me, and I knew I wanted to make a difference in the lives of kids they way he had in mine. The funny thing is, I never really did think I'd be a teacher (though I entertained it one year in college when I wasn't sure what else to do with my life). In high school I thought maybe I'd be a high school counselor, but even that was short lived.

It wasn't until I was 19 and went on a short-term mission trip that I realized ministry could be an option for me. I'd just never even considered it.

It's honestly so intriguing to look back over my history and see the touches of God in places, long before we were formally introduced.

Yesterday I had coffee with a friend and she was asking about the early part of my life of faith. I've had this conversation plenty, but it never loses the truly cool feeling that Someone much bigger than me has been involved in my life since before I was conceived. We've all got stories about significant events in our lives. It's just honestly so awe-full to consider the events of my life from before I actually understood there even WAS a Christ, and to look back and see the Fingerprints on those events.

I'm staring out the window as I type. The green of creation is broken up only by the pavement of the road across the way. The breeze dances between the fingers of tree branches, flowing and shimmying with an eastern mysticism. It is like God is whispering: I am here and I'm dancing with you now just as I did throughout your childhood.

Reassuring. Peaceful. Present. Real.

Recalling with my friend yesterday, I snuck back to that time when I realized that Jesus was more than just the little baby in the manger that sat on my mantle at Christmas. He was a man, and I'd never known that. He had a family that he invited me to be a part of. That was the hugest thing to me, to be quite honest. I wanted a part of that.

Oh, to belong. He was inviting me to belong. And i ran headlong, with full embrace.

Nothing's ever been the same. I'm grateful for that.

I'm also really grateful to have been part of a time and space wherein I really hadn't a clue. It made the introduction so crisp, so distinct. Like birth. Once it wasn't there.... then all the sudden it existed. I existed in an entirely new plane or realm. Everything changed, and life would never be the same.

Sometimes that's a difficult reality, but when I relax into the being of Christ the difficulty dissipates.

So I come full circle to the fact that I'm here in the midwest rather than in Nepal this summer. I've been talking with God quite a bit on this one. I'm bummed, sure, but the nature of our conversations focuses more on me saying "I really don't want to miss what you might want to say to me while I'm home". I'm not looking for an all-encompassing spiritual "reason" for my being here rather than there.

No, I'm actually just saying, "Honestly, just help me not miss You in these weeks". And really, I've thought more than once this month that I want to assume that position on a regular basis - not just limiting that sort of listening-stance to just when things don't work out like I've hoped.

So far it's been enlightening...having my attention drawn to areas deep within. It's good stuff. Not always fun to look at, but good none the less.